


Too Much is Never Enough

by Obsessivecompulsivereadr



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, based on the preview for ep 7, brief reference to magnus's traumatic childhood, extension of their relationship discussion, so spoilers for that i guess, some triggery issues like brief internal reference to suicide, thirsty Alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 20:09:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9623525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessivecompulsivereadr/pseuds/Obsessivecompulsivereadr
Summary: They are on opposite edges of the same ideal.  Alec so young, and Magnus so much older.  Alec a blessed acolyte of the Angel, Raziel.  Magnus the abandoned son of the Greater Demon, Asmodeus.  Magnus with so much more unimportant and irrelevant experience, and Alec with none.  They could not be more different if they tried, and yet, they are also the same.  A matched set of uncertainty and inability to accept that someone might want them for exactly who they are.





	

**Author's Note:**

> please don't yell at me for the ending lmao

 

Alec Lightwood’s kisses feel like barely tempered storms to Magnus Bane, and despite having centuries of experience in holding his own against those kind of unrelenting waves, everything inside Magnus wants him to choose this.   

Magnus doesn’t know what it means to live the kind of life Alec leads, but he understands not feeling wanted.  He understands being so close to having something for yourself that you’re reaching out to take it before something, or someone, pulls it from your grasp.  He understands wanting something so much that whether or not it’s good or right for you is a thought brushed aside in the heat of the moment.

It’s one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do when he places his hand on Alec’s chest and tells him, _“Wait.”_  

Alec stops pushing him backwards, stops completely in fact, and stands in front of Magnus.  He’s flushed and out of breath, closing his eyes, and drawing into himself with another one of his self-admonishing head shakes.  

And _that_ … the defeated look, the disappointment that he’s somehow not enough, that he’s possibly not what Magnus wants, is the very reason Magnus finds it so difficult to find even ground with Alec.  A way to talk to him without showing Alec exactly how difficult being with Magnus can be, to bring him closer without scaring him away by being too much.  Magnus hates that he can’t find a way to tell Alec everything without being afraid that Alec will walk away too soon.  He hates that he struggles to find the words he needs, especially since words usually come so easily.  

But Alec unsettles him.  Alec’s innocence isn’t about his lack of relationships or his inexperience with sex.  It’s not about a misguided, culture-ingrained concept of purity either, because the kind of purity Alec’s culture values is the same kind that would tell him Magnus himself is tainted. And he doesn’t think Alec is the kind of person who believes that.  And if he ever did, Magnus is convinced that he doesn’t believe it anymore.  

Alec’s innocence is about how good the man is inside.  How even though his decisions are not always the right ones, he tries _so hard_ to be good. He tries so hard to be what everybody else around him wants him to be.  Tries so hard that he would live a life without the very thing he’s always wanted, just because it’s expected of him.  Tries so hard that when he does choose things for himself, allows himself to just _be_ , that it takes Magnus by surprise every time.

It’s why Magnus is so unwilling to push him.  He remembers the look on Alec’s face when Magnus pursued him.  Remembers how Alec looked terrified of his feelings.  Remembers how angry Alec was, at himself.  At the world.   _At Magnus_.  He never wants to put that look on Alec’s face again.  So he doesn’t pull Alec close, no matter how much he desperately wants to hold him.  He doesn’t engage in any more outrageous and unimportant flirtations, at least the kind that don’t mean anything.  He doesn’t reach out to touch because he fears Alec pulling away again.  

Despite the experience of a lifetime that seems will never end, Magnus knows that when he looks at Alec, he’s looking at the first person he’s ever felt shared his same fears.  Alec fears that despite having the blood of angels literally inside him, he will never be good enough because of who and what he is.  Every time Magnus sees that, he’s reminded of how he also feels that he will never be good enough because of who and what he is, because instead of angel blood, he carries the blood of demons.  

They are on opposite edges of the same ideal.  Alec so young, and Magnus _so_ much older.  Alec a blessed acolyte of the Angel, Raziel.  Magnus the abandoned son of the Greater Demon, Asmodeus.  Magnus with so much more unimportant and irrelevant experience, and Alec with none.  They could not be more different if they tried, and yet, they are also the same.  A matched set of uncertainty and inability to accept that someone might want them for exactly who they are.  And while Magnus is very used to that feeling, from centuries of being discarded, it devastates him that Alec might feel that way about himself.

Magnus places a hand on his cheek, “Look at me, please.”  

Alec opens his eyes.  

“Talk to me,” Magnus whispers.  

Alec clears his throat and says, “I don’t know how to be... what you want.”  

His voice is rough and almost bitter, his words hitting Magnus with a jolt, causing yet another pang of regret because he can’t help but think that he’s caused Alec to feel unwanted again.  When the man is anything but unwanted.  

“You _already are_ what I want,” Magnus says.  

Alec looks surprised, but he presses closer to Magnus, “Then why?”  

Magnus sighs again, because he wants to tell him so much.  Everything.  But he’s honestly _scared_ , and that’s a feeling he doesn’t get often.  He’s scared that the part of him that meeting Alec has unlocked will be the part of him that scares Alec away for good.  He doesn’t think he could bear it if that happened.  Not this time.  Not with this particular man.

“You’re not the only one who feels vulnerable,” is what Magnus decides he’s able to admit.  

Alec looks at him quietly, before nodding his head, encouraging Magnus to continue.  

“What we talked about before,” Magnus says.  “The exes.”  

“I don’t care about them,” Alec replies immediately, and Magnus can tell that he means it.  Alec doesn’t care and doesn’t plan to shame him for his experience. But to Magnus, it’s not about the number.  It’s about how those people sometimes made him feel.  

“I know.  But that’s not what I’m talking about.  I know the number is not important,” Magnus says with a wave of his hand. 

“Then what?” Alec asks.

“The majority of them hurt me,” Magnus says and looks away from Alec’s probing gaze.  The way Alec looks at him sometimes make him wonder what the man sees.  He finds it hard to believe that Alec sees the same thing Magnus does when he looks at himself.  

“I’m sorry,” Alec says softly.  

Magnus looks back at him, “When I said that I know I’m a lot to get used to, I said it because I _am_.  I’m too much for some people, either because of my power or my age or both.  Or I’m too much because I’m just not what people expect of me.  Or just because of what I am.  But I meant it when I said that I am what I am.  I’ve made peace with myself, though it’s taken me more than a few decades to do it.  I won’t ever be what I’d like to be, and that’s okay.  I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I also know that I’m not what everyone would want.”  

“Magnus,” Alec begins, but Magnus puts a finger over his lips to stop him.  

“Let me finish.”  

Alec nods.

“I’ve looked my whole life for someone who wouldn’t leave me because I’m too much. And some of those relationships led me into situations where I was attached to someone who was bad for me, simply because they made me feel like I meant something.  Like I was worth something to them. That’s a powerful thing to someone who’s never felt that before.”  

“Camille,” Alec guesses, and Magnus nods because yes, she was one of those people.  It’s part of why sending her away to be punished for her wrongdoings had been so hard for him.  

“Not just her.  You may think I’ve tried to give my heart away to too many people.  Most people would.  But the truth is that most of them never wanted my heart to begin with.  So they gave it back, or tossed it away, and then I went on with my life looking for someone else who wouldn’t look at me and think I was too much effort.”  

At the reminder of their talk about the effort of relationships, Alec’s eyes soften and he smiles.  

“I don’t want you to be one of those people.  I’m scared you’ll end up being someone who tries to want me but _can’t_.  People walk away from me all the time because they can’t find it in themselves to care about me for more than what I can do for them.”  

He doesn’t mention his mother.  He may someday because he’s recently found that the more he talks about her, the easier it gets.  So, one day, he thinks he’ll tell Alec all about her and how she set the stage for a life of him being _too much_ .  About how she was the first to leave him and the only one to do it by taking her own life.  About how he can barely remember what his mother had named him because of a life spent with the name given to him by the Silent Brothers. About how her husband, Magnus’s stepfather, had tried to _kill him_ for being _too much_ , and how he was only unsuccessful because of the depth of Magnus’s power.  

“Magnus,” Alec says softly and brushes his thumb across Magnus’s lips, before dragging it through the hair of his goatee.  

Magnus tilts his head slightly inward, towards Alec’s hand.  “I just want you to be sure.  In part because I need you to be sure for _yourself._  But also because of me.  Because of that.”  

Because if Alec isn’t really ready, and then it turns out that Magnus _is_ too much for him, Magnus doesn’t think he’ll be able to bear it.  That door inside him that Alec had so easily opened will then clang shut with a vengeance, and Magnus knows he won’t ever let it open again.  He’s been able to manage being left alone before, but if he gets left this time, he thinks this time he won’t make it.  He’ll thinks he’ll just allow himself to petrify and be done with it, because he won’t be able to survive that kind of hurt.  Not from Alec.  

Not from this beautiful shadowhunter he’d never expected to have in his life.  

“I’m scared, too,” Alec says as he steps closer again, into Magnus’s personal space, and puts his hands on Magnus’s waist.  “I told you I’ve always known I could never have what I wanted.  But now, it’s right in front of me… _you’re_ right in front of me, and the part of me that’s always told me you’re off limits keeps rattling around in my head.”  

Magnus slides a hand up Alec’s arm and brushes his fingers over the man’s neck, over the rune that Magnus’s eyes always seem drawn to whenever they’re in the same room together.  

“I’m trying to ignore it, but it’s not easy.  I don’t mean to pull away.  I just don’t want to disappoint you, and I definitely don’t want to hurt you. Yes, hearing about your exes was intimidating, but it took me a while to figure out that it was because I didn’t want to end up being just another one of them.  I’m tired of shoving every single feeling I have down so nobody can see it.  I’m just _tired_ , Magnus. Tired of never being able to just be me. Tired of wanting what I can’t have.”  

“You _can_ have it,” Magnus says softly.  “It doesn’t have to be now though.  It doesn’t have to be tonight.”  

“I know it doesn’t have to be, but why can’t it be?” Alec sighs.  “Just because I’ve never had sex before doesn’t mean I don’t _know_ when I want it. And it certainly doesn’t mean that I can’t make that decision for myself.”  

Magnus smiles and nods his head, “I concede your point.”  

Alec smirks.  “Do you trust that _I_ know how I feel, even if I don’t always act in ways that make sense to you?”

Magnus laughs, because it reminds him of the many times Alec has done something that didn’t make any sense to him.  “Yes, I trust that you know how you feel.”  

Alec sighs, “I get in my own way all the time.  I know I do and I hate that about myself.  I spend half my time arguing with myself, cursing myself when I do things without thinking, and second-guessing the choices that I do think through.  But _feelings_ and _choices_ are two different things.  I know how I feel, and I know what I want.”  

Magnus clears his throat, “And that is?”  

“ _You_. Any way I can have you.”  

Magnus smiles, “You could never be just another one of my exes, you know.”  

Alec’s little half smile appears, and it does things to Magnus’s heart.  “Really?”

Magnus nods, “You’d be my very first shadowhunter, for one thing.”  

Alec grins and looks down for a moment, “Th-that’s good to know.”  

“For another, it’s because you make me feel some things I’ve haven’t felt in years and other things I’ve never felt at all.”  

“Yeah?” Alec smiles again, and the crooked lift of his mouth is so appealing that Magnus can’t help but lean in and kiss him softly.

“Yeah.”  

“I got a lot of advice about tonight, you know.”  Alec looks a bit embarrassed about it.

“And just who did you talk to?” Magnus asks, amused that Alec would be so concerned about the night that he’d ask for help.

“Well, Izzy for one.”

“And what did Isabelle tell you?” Magnus asks and brushes his fingers over the rune at his neck again, making Alec close his eyes with a little moan.

“Things that didn’t work,” Alec admits with a blush.  “And you don’t even want to know what Jace said.”  

“Given that he seems to be an expert at ruining important situations, I can imagine."

Alec laughs, “A lot of people do that, have you noticed?”  

Magnus nods.  It’s a problem as far as he’s concerned.  It seems that every time they find a chance to be alone to talk about their relationship, someone either pulls Alec away or just invades upon the moment, and it’s become beyond frustrating by now.

“I’ve never wanted to murder my parabatai more than I did the other night,” Alec admits with a grin.

Magnus laughs, “I had the same desire.”  

“I went back to the Institute wondering what would have happened if he hadn’t walked in.”  

“Well, I can’t feel sorry for you right now because you left me alone with _Jace Wayland_.”  

Alec grins, “Sorry about that.”  

“You’re forgiven,” Magnus smiles softly.  “This time.”  

Alec dips his head slightly to kiss him, “So from now on, we power through all the uncomfortable conversations and be honest?”

Magnus nods, “Sounds awkward but sensible.”  

“Okay then.  I have a confession to make.”  

“Go ahead,” Magnus waits for him to continue.

“I hate alcohol,” Alec grimaces.  “I’d be happy if I never drank another cocktail again.”  

Magnus laughs, “I’m sorry.  I’ll refrain from offering you another one.”  

“And no more of either one of us not fighting for this.  No more walking away for me, and no more of you letting me walk away, okay?”  

“Agreed.  And I have a proposition for you,” Magnus said.  

“What’s that?”

“We stay _here,_ in this room _._ You stay here tonight and don’t go back to the Institute.  And we just _be_ together.  Because I’m very much feeling the need to wrap you up in my arms and kiss you for at least two hours.”  

Alec closes his eyes on a sigh, “That sounds exactly like something I’d love to do.”  

“I thought it might,” Magnus pulls away far enough to take his hand.  

He starts to lead Alec over to the bed he’s been avoiding for most of the night.  When he stops briefly to navigate around the items Alec had knocked into the floor when he’d backed Magnus into the wall earlier, Alec brushes up against him and wraps his arms around Magnus’s waist,

“And after that two hours?” he whispers near Magnus’s ear.  “What happens when after two hours, I want you even more than I do right now? Because I can promise you that I will.”  

Magnus grins and turns around to kiss him, “Are you familiar with a lot of mundane expressions?”  

Alec shakes his head in confusion at the change of subject.

“You, Alexander, are what the younger mundane people refer to as _thirsty._ ”  Magnus smirks at his bewildered expression.

“Never heard of it used that way.”  

“It’s a very clever use of the word.  It means that you want something, or someone, so badly it’s like you’re parched and that one thing in front of you is the only thing that will quench it.”  

“Well, when I look at you, I’d have to agree with that assessment,” Alec smirks.  “But the question is, are you _thirsty_ for me?”  

The way Alec says it should be ridiculous, the way he recites the emphasis on the word, because the man is a combination of awkward and seductive that Magnus hasn’t seen in decades, but Magnus cannot help but be charmed by him.

“Oh yes.  Most definitely.”  

Alec grins and walks him towards the bed.  “Really?  Could have fooled me.”  

Magnus knows Alec’s just trying to provoke the competitive streak they have going between them, to get Magnus to react, to get him to lose control.  But he likes it. “Really.”  

“Then prove it,” Alec challenges as he presses Magnus down onto the mattress.

Magnus glances at the bedroom door and then gestures to lock it magically.  

It simply wouldn’t do to have Jace interrupting yet another perfect moment.  

 


End file.
